One for Sorrow...

I've never hated a month in the year before, as much as I hate May, for many it's exciting, & for close friends of ours the start of something so wonderful for them, their wedding, I feel kinda awful wishing this month to be over already..

I don't think I'll ever forget looking into my husbands eyes, with watery eyes explaining in barely understandable words, but he knew, & so he just clutched me as I broke down in front of him.

Some days I re-live it in my head over and over like a broken tape, & at times It's like I can barely breathe.

Months after passed & I went with my husband to a psychic medium, (I happen to believe in them, & while I understand they're are fakes out there, I always test a new medium I go to so I know they're truthful) 

The lovely Lady talked to me for a few hours, turns out my nan had plenty to say for herself! & told us L was okay & looked after by Deans family & mine up there..

We came away feeling blessed & loved & heartbroken all over again, It really felt like my heart had been re-stomped on, We went to the cemetery & laid some flowers.. what happened in those moments will stay for me for the rest of my life, should you choose not to believe that is ok, but please allow me the kindness of keeping your unkind words to yourself. 

There was a big tree in the distance, It seemed to draw us in.. on the right of the tree was a man painting & on a bench behind a little way was a lady, & on the left was another bench, almost placed like a mirror image.. with another Lady sat on that bench, holding something. we started walking towards the tree, when she turned slightly, looking directly into my eyes, a look on her face I wish I could paint or draw... I stopped & saw her adjust what she was clutching, a lace/crochetted cream/white blanket, the way she adjusted it was like your holding a baby, my eyes wondered over to that blanket & my heart told me it was a baby. something inside me told me it was L, I looked back at her, & she half smiled, a sort of smile you'd smile at someone who's lost someone so precious & your smiling to make them know you love them. I told Dean we shouldn't go towards the tree, (I still wasn't 100% what I'd seen) because we'd disturb the lady, he told me what lady, & I was instantly confused I pointed at the lady, who had by the time I'd looked away & back again was paces in the distance, walking away, & he told me he never ever saw this lady holding this blanket, & that's why he chose the place, because the man painting with the lady behind was on the far right hand side & it gave us some privacy.. 
since then I've described every detail to him, mentally painting the picture, I never saw a hand,a finger or even a whisp of hair to say for sure it was a baby inside that blanket, but I know what I saw.

Another trip to the medium a month on from that event & I asked her, if what I saw was real, she told me It was a collection of all our loved ones energies that made It so I could see what I saw, & that I was very blessed to have seen.
Recently I finally found out who the lady was that I saw that day & finally my heart is a little less heavy, knowing for sure.

Soon I plan to go back again to the medium, it's been a little while now since my last visit.

I told this story today because I genuinely wanted to share, in the hope that anyone else going through it knows, Its tough,hard,unimaginable pain, but slowly you heal, little by little & your loved ones are up there looking after you.

I don't know if I'll ever be truly ready for another baby..another pregnancy, sometimes I flit between wanting another & not,& that's my 100% honesty, for now I'm focussing on A, Dean & our lives together as a family.